Friends friends friends...

Ok so I've written before about the question of friendships.  About how I don't tend to let go of friendships that many may consider to be dead.  About how I often feel jealous of people who have lifelong living-in-each-others-pockets type friendships.

And just the other week I caught up with two friends in one day.  I hadn't seen either of these people is some years, and had once been very close to both of them.

I had lunch with one, a lovely young man who I nursed through a couple of breakups in his early 20s, and with whom I (and my husband) had spent many a long night after church at cafes talking about things both deep and ephemeral.  He is since married to a lovely girl, got a wonderful job and has been serving at the church we used to attend together.

It was a wonderful lunch.  The food was great, and the company was also good.

But.

And there is always a but.

The conversation didn't flow as freely as it once did.  We didn't talk in as much depth as we used to.  It wasn't unpleasant, but it was clear that time and distance has (some would say inevitably) had it's way with our friendship.  True it's not like I ring him, or text him (except when momentous stuff is happening).  He isn't on facebook, so I can't catch up with him like that (indeed most of the news he told me was stuff I had already heard through other sources on fb... ).  He is on twitter which I don't really frequent.  We moved away geographically, and with every move, are further from the church we went to and the people we knew together.  We had a couple of kids and he hasn't yet... so basically we're now worlds apart physically, socially, emotionally.

And yet I can't give up.

I can't feel ok about this.  This "moving on" that seems to have happened.  I have the claws in and am not letting go!!

So that was one...


Then we had after work drinks with another friend that we went to uni with.  I have seen this person about 3 times in the last 10 years, and basically the only contact we have in between is facebook messaging.

It was amazing!! This is a friendship which has not changed!! It was as if no time had passed.  The same jokes/funny stories were just as hilarious.  The same repartee...

I suppose I'm thinking about this whole issue of friendships because in our business, friendships can be necessarily transient affairs.  We could only be at a church for a couple of years at a time.  And as I've mentioned before, some people are ok with that.  They just think as they move on, "Oh well I'll see this person in heaven".  But I'm not sure how fair that is to the people we serve.  Does it mean that we never truly invested in them? Maybe.  Does it mean that we were never their friend? Possibly.  Just someone to have as a project while I'm at this church, and next church will have new projects.

But that is not how I see friendship.  I mean sure, I can't keep in touch with everyone I was friendly with from every church/workplace I've ever been at.  but I certainly emotionally invest in the friendship while I am there and care deeply about what happens to them after I am gone.

I care that time and distance erode what was once a deep friendship.  I care that someone who I used to meet up with every week at uni and who was one of my bridesmaids hasn't really kept in contact with me, and hasn't invited me to her wedding.  I care that I don't see the girl who was the first person to invite me to church.  I care that a Biblestudy leader that looked after me for 3 years during high school, and another one from when I was at uni won't be friends with me on facebook; even though I shared significant times in my life with them.  I care that people I thought I was friends with at our last church really don't seem to want to make the effort to drive half way and catch up for a coffee and a chat. And I care that every time I try to catch up with my friends from Mother's Group it falls in a hole.

Is it wrong of me to care?  Am I wrong to be hurt?  No.  I'm not.  God gives us friendships at different times to fulfil different functions according to what we need right then...or according to what someone else needs.  Does that sound too sterile? Damn right it does.  Does that make it any less meaningful? No way.


So what have I learnt from my musings about friendship?

1)  Sometimes friendships are just for a little while.  And that's ok.

2)  Some friendships, despite the best of intentions, will fade with time and distance. And that is ok.  Painful but ok.

3) God gives us friends to bring us joy, love and support both for the short and long term.  It may be that I am not the kind of person that needs to have the same friend for 80 years.  God knows and provides the friends I need when I need them.

4)  It is a wonderful thing to have a friendship for which nothing seems to change.  I have a few of these and they never cease to bring me joy!!!

And 5)  That it is ok to be hurt when friendships fade.  It shows that I have invested in that person.  That I cared about them.



So I'm not entirely finished thinking about friendships.  But for now I'll leave you with this thought:

A friend is a blessing from God.

Friends with Benefits?

Something strikes me every so often when I check Facebook.  There seem to be two kinds of people when it comes to the kinds of friends they have.

The first kind make friends at school (at whatever point) and keep them forever more. They are bridesmaids at each other's weddings. They meet up all the time so their kids can play together.  They go on holidays together sans kids.

The second kind seem to acquire friends like a collector, some from this phase of life, some from that phase. They may be friends only while they work at the same place or go to the same church.  they may be friends only while they are in the same class at uni or while they have kids in the same class at school.  Sometimes they become friends at a specific stage and the friendship seems to transcend that stage.

I seem to be of the latter category.

At school I had friends, but my year at school had lots of groups of girls that would sit together.  For a while, I would sit with one group or another according to who I was friendly with at any one time.  But it never lasted long really.  I never had enough friends in each group to make it really fun or fulfilling to stay long.

So I was a floater between groups. One who belonged to all groups and to none.

Then I joined a youth group.  Suddenly I had friends.  Instant friends who cared how I was during the week.  Friends who shared their faith with me.  Suddenly I was being invited to parties and gatherings. In some ways it made school easier, and in some ways harder.

When I went to uni I joined the Evangelical Union.  I joined small groups and went to public meetings and weekends away and met heaps of people.  Some of my best friends are from that time of my life. I met my husband there.  I met people who are now scattered to the winds, in Cambodia, the USA, China, the UK, Tasmania, Victoria, Northern NSW; good friends who I see very rarely but when I do see them it is as if no time has passed and we just pick straight up where we left off.  I love those kinds of friendships.

I met heaps of different people each year at Beach Mission as the team shifted and changed.

I have been to three different churches since Luke decided to go to College.  I made friends at each one.  Some I have kept in touch with.  Some I haven't.  At our last  church we met the godmother to our now 13 month old daughter and lots of other friends besides! I go back there whenever I am near , and revel in the fellowship and friendship found in a loving church family.

At College, we met heaps and heaps of people from all sorts of places who I catch up with as often as possible. These are people I saw often in Biblestudy groups, at the women's group, and people I lived along side when we lived in College accommodation.  We see the people from our year group quite often which is great since they are our spiritual and professional family.  The only people who truly know what it is like to be in ministry.

So I look at my life and think "Ok so, somewhere along the line I picked up a lot of friends".  But then I remember my grandmother who had a best friend for over 85 years, and some others for almost 80 years.  I don't have any friends like that.  I don't have any friends from pre-school that I still see/write to/skype regularly.  I don't have friends from kindy/school in the way that some do.  I see the photos from weddings and think "why couldn't I have had friends like that? friends that just stick together through everything for 20 years? why can't I have 10 friends who I go to Byron /Bali/somewhere with every year or so?"

Then I look at my own wedding photos.  And I look at the lists that I draw up when I am inviting friends to things.  I have friends on these lists from school, churches, uni, work, beach mission, College, and just random other times.

Is my life poorer for missing the lifelong friendships? or is it richer for having friends from a plethora of places and times in my life?  Sometimes I can't say.

A time to speak?

I am torn.  I have a friend.  Yes I know.  I have a friend.  How did that happen?  Anyway.  I have a friend (let's call her Sophie) who has a problem.  Sophie confided in me that she is struggling with the attitudes of a good Christian friend of hers.  

He is older than her, and has been a Christian for many many years longer than she.  He is from a Christian family who love him very much.   He has the "Christian pedigree" (went to Sunday school, a Christian school, Youth group, Bible College).  But Sophie has been increasingly worried about some of his attitudes and his actions (mostly online).  

Sophie's friend is not afraid to express divisive opinions (about things upon which Christians often disagree) loudly in the company of non-believers and people who love to hear that the church cannot get it's act together.  He is not afraid to drink rather more than he should (again in the company of non-believers), and is rather less than discreet about some of his attitudes to women (joining inappropriate Facebook groups etc).  He is also not afraid to go one holiday alone with his girlfriend.

Sophie's husband has spoken to him many times in love, raising these and other issues.  But there is a problem there too.  Sophie's husband was brought to Christ by this friend and has not been a believer as long.  Her husband is younger than her friend, and takes a more conservative line on many things.  Sophie is afraid that the voice of her husband is being lost in the loud secular voices of the media and unbelieving friends. She worries that his influence is being lessened because he is telling his friend things he doesn't want to hear about things in his life that need to change, and behaviour that is blatantly ungodly, behaviour which belies his Christian professions of faith.

Sophie asked me what she should do.  Should she keep praying for her friend and the words of her husband and hold her piece about her growing frustration?  Should she raise issues with her friend directly and risk damaging the friendship of both her and her husband?  or should she put the health of his soul above the feelings of her heart and say it anyway?

Pragmatic about friendships? Not me!!

I am not a fan of change.  I like stability, and lots of it.  I lived in the same house for 21 years, and went to the same school for 13 years.  So for me, the idea of moving house and church frequently is not a friendly thought.


One of the problems I have with moving churches in particular is the question of moving on from friendships.  I don't do it.  For me, if you are my friend, you stay my friend irrespective of how often we talk on the phone (or chat on facebook), or how often we see each other.  I have friends that I would consider very good friends who I haven't seen or spoken to for a long long time.  


This hurts me.  I often wonder if I need to re-think the way I 'do' friendships.  Maybe I need to be like a person I know who is very 'pragmatic' about friendships when she moves church; essentially she says goodbye to people, and cuts them off from her 'friend list', expecting to take up the friendship again in heaven.  


I find that idea hard to stomach.  Especially since I considered her to be my friend after we had moved churches.  Then I heard her ideas about friendship.  


And I stopped.  


And I thought: was I ever her friend?  


Was I wrong to assume that we could stay friends after moving on to new churches?  Am I wrong to assume that when we move again (at the end of the year) that my friends from Terrey Hills will remain my friends after we're gone?  I hope not.  Because I hold friendship to be deeper and more important that that.  I hold friendship to be something that lasts and is there even without constant contact.  Even when life situations change (getting married/having kids) in my mind friendships continue on.  


So if I haven't phoned you in a while, or you're not on facebook, or we haven't seen each other in person lately (or even for a long time), please don't assume I don't care about you as much as I did when we saw each other often.  Please don't assume I have moved on from the friendship.  Please don't assume I don't still pray for you.  


Because I do care about you.  


I have not moved on.  


I do still pray for you.  


And chances are, I would LOVE to catch up with you in person.  Why don't we make a date?