What's in a name?

Ok so I know it has been a ridiculously long time between drinks.  I know that most of my audience has probably grown old and died between blog posts...but much has been happening and I have not the time tonight to go into details.

Suffice to say that we are once again choosing names to apply to a small member of our family yet to be born.  This time we are choosing female names.  

You would think that choosing a couple of names for a small girl would be easier than choosing a name for a small boy.  You would think.  But no.

Choosing a name for Bede was relatively easy.  We always liked the name and I had done a thesis on the historical figure of the Venerable Bede, and the name means 'prayer' in Old English.  Our first son was always going to be Bede.  

But when we fell pregnant I choked.   I thought "can you really name a kid Bede in this day and age?"  We looked at all the other ideas on our list and came up with nothing.  But when he was born, he was Bede.  It was that easy.

This time it's not so easy. We had a boy's name all picked out (even though I wasn't wild  about it, I could live with it) but could never agree on a girl's name. Female names are fraught with emotional baggage.  Specially for a teacher who went to a single sex school.  So chances are every name has a face sitting behind a desk in a classroom.  And chances are every name has more negative associations than positive.

So we both have our preferences.  And both of us have non-negotiables.  It makes it very hard to come up with viable options.  And since we know it's a girl, it means we have to come up with something...I know we have a few more months but I like to be prepared.  

My need to be prepared is one of the many reasons I needed to find out what we're having.  Some people want to be surprised at the birth and hear the Dr say "It's a ____"...  I figure it's a surprise whenever you find out what it is, so I'd like to know now thank you very much!

Tell me, how did you choose your child's name?  Did you go with a Biblical name?  A family name?  The name of a particular celebrity/friend/influential person? 

There are two certainties in life...Death and...

I have been thinking about parental mortality lately.  I have a father who is in a somewhat fragile state of health at the comparatively young age of 64.  This is weird for me because he is a doctor.  Someone who is meant to be a fixer of illness not a sufferer.  It is also weird because he is my father. 

I have a kind of weird relationship with my parents for various reasons (to remain undisclosed).  Suffice it to say, we are not overly demonstrative in our affection for each other either verbally or physically. I gather this is not normal by watching my husband and his parents, and other friends of mine with theirs.  It is something I regret.  

I regret that I feel unable to verbally express my love for them.  I regret even more that they feel unable to verbally express their love for me.  Their love for me is expressed in the things they do for me and in the sacrifices they made for my education.  These are admirable.  But there is nothing quite like hearing "I love you" from a parent.  And I cannot remember the last time I heard that from mine.  I realise that different people express and receive love in different ways, but I'm not sure my parents understand this.  

This comes to a head for me as I contemplate my father's mortality.  He will not live forever.  Not only will he not live forever but he cannot live forever as he does not know Jesus.  That is very hard for me.  The mere fact that he is still alive is testament to God's grace.  

This is a man who has been 'brought back' by CPR twice.  The chances of it happening once are about 5%.  I don't want to know the stats for twice.  Even less do I want to know the stats for three times. 

But it is clear to me that it is only by the grace of God that my father still lives today.  And yet.  And yet he still rejects God. 

My question to you today dear readers is this: How do you share Jesus with a man who is a walking miracle and doesn't acknowledge miracles?

The Good News?

So in light of the fact that there are many lies being fed to us about sex, some people may be thinking: well there goes my chance at a happy marriage then"...or "well I can't be a Christian if I've had sex before marriage".

NOT SO!!!!!

There is very good news for those of us who have had sex before marriage, and who may be worried about what that may mean for their current (or future) marriage.  The good news is that as Christians we belive in total redemption.

A common error in Christian circles is to regard sexuality as somehow less fallen than the rest of our being.  This is seen through the use of sexual codewords such as "purity" or "innocence" which are misleading terms at best.  The effect is that sexual transgressions become a higher moral failing and are seen as a barrier to true faith and redemption.  This is not the case.  Sexual sin is no more sinful than greed or murder or disrespecting your parents.

The promise of Jesus is the redemption of soul and body.  Which means that as Christians our sexual sin as redeemed as all other sin.  And we are given the pattern for godly sexuality which puts love ahead of sexual gratification.

The effect of Jesus' work on the Cross for our sexual sins?  It is as if they never happened.  It is as if you never had that one night stand that you can't help remembering.  It is as if you and your fiancee never slept together "just this one time...since we're getting married anyway".  It is as if you never went home with that guy after a few too many drinks with the girls.  It is as if you and your boyfriend haven't lived together for 3 years before the wedding.  It never happened.  In the eyes of God, you are a virgin again.  In the eys of God, your marriage has a fighting chance because Jesus is at its centre pulling you together towards God.

What does that mean for William and Kate?  It means that if they belive that Jesus is the Lord of their lives, their marriage has a fighting chance.  It means that their wedding night is a true wedding night. I pray that it is truly the case.

Damned Lies and Statistics!!

I think I am a very strange person.  No.  I know I am a strange person.  I am a monarchist and I was not excited about the Royal Wedding.  No I take that back... I was marginally excited about it.  It was great to see our future King finally get married to the girl he loves.

But as I was watching, I was wondering.  And I was hoping the statistics are not against them.  The statistics that for couples who live together before they get married, 75% end up divorced.   

I watched and prayed that they would learn from the mistakes of so many who "try before they buy".  I prayed that God would protect their marriage, especially given that it is going to be such a public one.

It is one of the lies of modern life.  That living together before you get married gives the relationship a better chance of working.   It is the same lie that having sex before you get married will make your married sex-life better...or stop you from making a mistake...or something...  

The whole concept of "trying before you buy" has to be the biggest relationship lie there is.  It encourages people to sleep around, comparing the sexual prowess of their various partners, and getting married based on the brilliance of the sex lives they share.  It encourages people to start their married lives together in a spirit of deceit "of course you are the best darling...the very best"...but in the back of their minds there is always that niggling thought..."maybe I didn't truly find the best..."

The lie that society is swallowing hook line and sinker is that the heart of your whole relationship is sex.  If you base your relationship solely on sex, as soon as the sex is bad/difficult/non-existent, the relationship suffers and a partner starts looking for a way out.

Good sex is not a right.  It is something that you learn together with your partner (ideally your first partner) and grow into as your marriage matures and as you share lives together.  Any married couple who begin their married life as virgins (and yes it does happen) will tell you that sex in marriage is a learned skill.  Not something that is all sky-rockets and lightening bolts on the first night.  It can (and often does) take years to grow into a healthy pattern of relating sexually.  

There is a difference between thinking that sex is an innate skill, and seeing it as an investment made between two people for the long term.  If you start out married life with that sense of deception, that niggling comparison in the back of your head, then of course you will never be satisfied sexually by your marriage partner.  It is easy to see why people who live together before they get married have such high divorce rates.  No matter how good their intentions towards each other, the little voice in the back of the head is always saying "maybe I could have down better"...


So when I say I was not hugely excited about the Royal Wedding, it's true.  But I am still less excited about the statistical likelihood of a Royal Divorce...

Money...the root of all kinds of evil?

It's ok people...I have not fallen off the face of the earth.  I have just been either lacking inspiration, or too inspired by very controversial topics...I have decided to lead with my chin tonight and broach a sensitive topic: Technology as a commodity and the money we use to consume it.


Caveat: I have one laptop, and one mobile phone (not a smart phone) and am married to someone who also has a mobile phone (not a smart phone), we have one television (old style)... 


I have noticed a disturbing trend over the past 15 years or so...or to be more specific, since the iPod was first released.  I was going to an affluent church in an affluent area, and suddenly everybody (hyperbole alert) had an iPod.  To be fair, not everyone had an iPod, but a fair number of people did.  The service I was a part of at this church was a consistent underperformer in the area of voluntary giving as was evidenced by the relatively frequent appeals to the parishoners for greater generosity (with graphs and everything...).  I could never understand how we could afford to buy an iPod, but not give substantially more to the church.


Fast forward a few years and the trend continues at many churches.  Many people have become consumers of the smartphone and tablet phenomenon (let the reader understand).  People will happily shell out several hundred dollars for a tablet/smartphone, but may not be as generous in their voluntary giving at church.


It disturbs me that christians appear to be amongst the first to take up any new and fashionable technology.  I am disturbed even more when ministry families may have multiple laptops/desktops and tablets and smartphones.  Is this a wise use of the money entrusted to them/us by our parishoners?


I realise that quite often such purchases are assisted by grants which expire if they are not taken advantage of.  But I am also aware that many many of our parishoners are not in a position to afford many of these things, and seeing us taking advantage of such new technologies may lead them to critisise our choices when it comes to how we spend the money they entrust to us.  They may look at us and think "why should I scrimp and penny pinch just so they can lead the good life?"  We are not flush with cash by any means but the outsider, or unbeliever would never know that to look at us.


I wonder whether it is wise for us to always be the first to get the next new thing.  Whether it might not be better to be seen to be living a more frugal lifestyle, having the necessities rather than the expensive luxuries?  Might these luxuries lead people to think that if you become a christian, then God will bless you materially? (whether or not he chooses to) Would it not be a better witness to those less fortunate than ourselves if we forgoe thse new technologies for the sake of the gospel and the lost rather than flaunting them?


I am aware that these may be controversial sentiments, but let me know what you think...do you think Jesus would approve of our stewardship of his good gifts to us?

When is it time to emotionally disconnect...from church?

I don't do change well.  This is no surprise to anyone who knows me.  So when Luke and I left our home church to go to College it was very very hard for me.  Actually, hard is a major understatement.  Changing churches was like cutting a major organ out of my body.

Let me explain.  I had been an active member of this church for over 10 years when we left.  I had come to faith in the youth group, I had led Biblestudy groups, I made some of the best friendships of my life at this church.

When we moved churches we moved to a church that was different in every possible way to the one we had left.  Gone were my comfort barriers: my friends, my teachers, my leaders.  Gone was the accustomed style of worship, and engagement with the Scriptures.  Gone even was the local area I had grown up in.

I was initially excited about starting at a new church.  I knew it was going to be different.  But I had no conception of just how different it would be.  At the new church the form of worship was alien, there was no guarantee that we would theologically agree with many of the congregation, the music was difficult.  Our minister was awesome and did everything he could to make us fee welcome and at home.  But it didn't work. For two years I lived in my own little version of Egypt.  I told myself that it was ok, that at the end of College we could go back 'home' and it would all be the same as it was.  I held onto my 'home' church as hard as I could despite the changes I saw there (services changing a bit, people moving on), emotionally I had not let go yet.

After two years, we finished our time at the difficult inner city church.  We moved to a smaller semi-rural village church.  It was a wonderful place that welcomed us with open arms, had people who loved Jesus and weren't afraid to show it.  It was a place where I made many good friends, where I was looked after by older Christians and enabled to grow in wisdom both as a worker and as a mother.  And still I held on to 'home' as 'home'.  I had not yet disengaged from my original church even though I did not go to a service in two years, even though I barely saw my friends there.

And this year, we made the biggest move yet:  leaving College, leaving a very homelike church, leaving the metro area even.  We have moved to a rural church with a small but incredibly faithful congregation who are keen to welcome us and look after us.

This last weekend I was visiting family in the leafy north.  I visited our most recent church which was such a joy!!! Many friends to catch up with and news to hear and share.  Ministries to discuss, and rejoice in!!

In the evening I visited my 'home' church.  I was struck immediately but how few people there I knew by sight.  True it is a transient and young congregation, but still.  I was struck also by some logistical changes (not worth discussing), and as usual really enjoyed the teaching.

But I thought later that I missed the church as it was when I was still a regular; the friends I saw weekly and the deep friendships which have of necessity shallowed with time and lack of investment.  I missed the combination of people I knew and loved, who gelled in a certain way, who responded in a certain way.  I had been emotionally 'hanging on' to a reality that had changed beyond recognition, and to be fair, hadn't existed anywhere but in my mind for some time.

It was a very sad realisation that the 'home' I had been so tightly holding on to is no longer there to return to.  The faces have changed, the people have moved on, but the message remains.

Time to get moving?

I seriously need to get exercising.  


I have been very disheartened lately every morning when I play the "what to wear" game.  Not because I don't have enough clothes.  I have more clothes than most people could wear.  I have clothes in three styles for basically each season.


I have been disheartened because I have very few clothes that fit me.  I must explain myself further.  For those of my readers who have not met me, I am short.  I am very short.  I don't always feel short...at least not until I try to reach something high up.   I have a very small frame.  For most of my childhood (particularly my infancy) I was underweight and struggled to gain weight.  I was a slow and very 'small' eater.  It was not until I was about 19 that I began eating what people would call a normal sized meal.  I was never anorexic, but I was tiny.


Since I started uni, I have (for want of a better term) filled out.  I grew some hips.  That's ok, I would tell myself.  Women need hips.  While at uni I was basically a size 6-8 depending on the clothes (let's not talk about the variation in women's clothes shall we?!).


After I got married, I ate more.  For the first year I was working and studying at the same time.  For the next year and a half I was hunting for work, during which time I would go to the gym.  That was the healthiest I have basically ever felt, and the best I have ever felt about my weight (which really was not that good).  Once I got a job and since then I have basically put on a dress size every year or so.  


So I went from a 6-8 (in 2003 ish) to closer to a 12-14 (in 2008 ish).  This may not sound like that much.  In perspective, when I finished school I was about 45 kilos.  When I got married I was closer to 50 kilos. When I fell pregnant with Bede I was about 60 kilos (maybe a bit more if I'm honest).  


After I had Bede I quickly lost all my baby weight and then some.  Within a few short months I was back in single digit jeans but still feeling unhealthy.  But at the 6 month mark I started to gradually put weight back on. I put it down to a number of factors.  Little or no exercise, continuing to breastfeed (which can make your body hold on to fat), and being at home, eating irregular meals and snacking on unhealthy things.  Now with Bede 1 year old, I tip the scale at almost 65 kilos.


You may think 65 kilos is not much.  When I go shopping for clothes I am always pointed straight to the size 8 clothes.  But on a 5 foot frame...let's just say I can feel it in my knees when I climb stars and when I carry Bede and if I try to run...oh dear. 


Now for the scary part. Someone my height (not quite 5 foot tall), should weigh between 45 and 55 kilos (according to the somewhat flawed BMI scale).  This scares me because it is only a few hundred little grams until I could be classified as obese.  How can I even write this??? Me?? Obese?? What planet is this anyway????  


It should be easy enough for someone like me to lose weight right?  All I have to do is make a few dietary changes and walk a little more and the kilos should just drop off!!!  I don't think so.  I seem to have lost the ability to make good food choices, and have little to no motivation to get walking (other than getting the boy out of the house and in this heat...well you can imagine).  For me, someone who spent their entire childhood in an underweight mindset, 65 kilos may as well be 85.  I have no idea how to eat to lose weight.  I could buy gym equipment, but I know it would gather dust.  


I need a gym.  I have found a good gym.  I can afford it.  I know Luke will support me in getting there regularly, and in eating well.  But can I do it?  Not alone.  I can't do it alone.  Just like trying to live a sinless life, I can't lose weight alone.  I need help.  I need God's help because I can't help myself, neither in life nor in weight loss.  


I need Him to give me the motivation to get in the car and drive to the gym and put Bede in creche and eat healthily even though I'm not a fan of fruit and veggies.  I need to know there are other people out there in the same boat.  People who need to lose weight but struggle to find the motivation, and who want someone to talk to about it.  I need someone to talk to about it and to pray with about it.  I need people to pray for me that I can get healthy again both in mind and in body.

Still Alive!!

I am still alive oh my devoted followers...we few, we happy few...

The move is accomplished with the minimum of stress.  We now reside outside of Sydney (GASP) in a small country town.  Our home is situated on a block of land that could easily be divided into two generous blocks.  The house itself is large.  No.  Wait.  It's huge.  We're used to living in maybe 3 rooms.  Now we have 4 bedrooms, and two living areas, and nowhere near enough furniture to fill it. 

We have already begun on the backyard modifications.   We now have 4 vegetable/herb gardens with many vegetables growing in them (many of which, mind you, I don't eat).  We have also pulled out the entirety of the front flower bed, which is now ready for new and pretty flowers rather than spike/fern things...

On another topic, I have officially survived the first year of being a mother.  Bede turned 1 today!!  He is still breastfed, he eats lots and lots of everything, he sleeps 12 hours at night and two hours (ish) during the day in 2 chunks.  He walks everywhere, and is getting better at it everyday.  He askes "Dis?" as he points to things, and has finally mastered the mum mum mum sound.  He throws left handed and can stack blocks. He loves all music, making singing and dancing attempts constantly.  He loves being read to and can turn the pages of a book, knowing to begin at the beginning.  He is a very happy little boy who will smile at everyone, and will walk up to, climb on, and cuddle everyone who is friendly to him.  He is very ticklish and laughs all the time. 

If you can't tell,  may have enjoyed being a mum this year just a little bit.  I am still being asked all the time when will I go back to work.  I simply answer "Not for the forseeable future".  And I'm OK with that!