Ok so I've written before about the question of friendships. About how I don't tend to let go of friendships that many may consider to be dead. About how I often feel jealous of people who have lifelong living-in-each-others-pockets type friendships.
And just the other week I caught up with two friends in one day. I hadn't seen either of these people is some years, and had once been very close to both of them.
I had lunch with one, a lovely young man who I nursed through a couple of breakups in his early 20s, and with whom I (and my husband) had spent many a long night after church at cafes talking about things both deep and ephemeral. He is since married to a lovely girl, got a wonderful job and has been serving at the church we used to attend together.
It was a wonderful lunch. The food was great, and the company was also good.
But.
And there is always a but.
The conversation didn't flow as freely as it once did. We didn't talk in as much depth as we used to. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was clear that time and distance has (some would say inevitably) had it's way with our friendship. True it's not like I ring him, or text him (except when momentous stuff is happening). He isn't on facebook, so I can't catch up with him like that (indeed most of the news he told me was stuff I had already heard through other sources on fb... ). He is on twitter which I don't really frequent. We moved away geographically, and with every move, are further from the church we went to and the people we knew together. We had a couple of kids and he hasn't yet... so basically we're now worlds apart physically, socially, emotionally.
And yet I can't give up.
I can't feel ok about this. This "moving on" that seems to have happened. I have the claws in and am not letting go!!
So that was one...
Then we had after work drinks with another friend that we went to uni with. I have seen this person about 3 times in the last 10 years, and basically the only contact we have in between is facebook messaging.
It was amazing!! This is a friendship which has not changed!! It was as if no time had passed. The same jokes/funny stories were just as hilarious. The same repartee...
I suppose I'm thinking about this whole issue of friendships because in our business, friendships can be necessarily transient affairs. We could only be at a church for a couple of years at a time. And as I've mentioned before, some people are ok with that. They just think as they move on, "Oh well I'll see this person in heaven". But I'm not sure how fair that is to the people we serve. Does it mean that we never truly invested in them? Maybe. Does it mean that we were never their friend? Possibly. Just someone to have as a project while I'm at this church, and next church will have new projects.
But that is not how I see friendship. I mean sure, I can't keep in touch with everyone I was friendly with from every church/workplace I've ever been at. but I certainly emotionally invest in the friendship while I am there and care deeply about what happens to them after I am gone.
I care that time and distance erode what was once a deep friendship. I care that someone who I used to meet up with every week at uni and who was one of my bridesmaids hasn't really kept in contact with me, and hasn't invited me to her wedding. I care that I don't see the girl who was the first person to invite me to church. I care that a Biblestudy leader that looked after me for 3 years during high school, and another one from when I was at uni won't be friends with me on facebook; even though I shared significant times in my life with them. I care that people I thought I was friends with at our last church really don't seem to want to make the effort to drive half way and catch up for a coffee and a chat. And I care that every time I try to catch up with my friends from Mother's Group it falls in a hole.
Is it wrong of me to care? Am I wrong to be hurt? No. I'm not. God gives us friendships at different times to fulfil different functions according to what we need right then...or according to what someone else needs. Does that sound too sterile? Damn right it does. Does that make it any less meaningful? No way.
So what have I learnt from my musings about friendship?
1) Sometimes friendships are just for a little while. And that's ok.
2) Some friendships, despite the best of intentions, will fade with time and distance. And that is ok. Painful but ok.
3) God gives us friends to bring us joy, love and support both for the short and long term. It may be that I am not the kind of person that needs to have the same friend for 80 years. God knows and provides the friends I need when I need them.
4) It is a wonderful thing to have a friendship for which nothing seems to change. I have a few of these and they never cease to bring me joy!!!
And 5) That it is ok to be hurt when friendships fade. It shows that I have invested in that person. That I cared about them.
So I'm not entirely finished thinking about friendships. But for now I'll leave you with this thought:
A friend is a blessing from God.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Friends with Benefits?
Something strikes me every so often when I check Facebook. There seem to be two kinds of people when it comes to the kinds of friends they have.
The first kind make friends at school (at whatever point) and keep them forever more. They are bridesmaids at each other's weddings. They meet up all the time so their kids can play together. They go on holidays together sans kids.
The second kind seem to acquire friends like a collector, some from this phase of life, some from that phase. They may be friends only while they work at the same place or go to the same church. they may be friends only while they are in the same class at uni or while they have kids in the same class at school. Sometimes they become friends at a specific stage and the friendship seems to transcend that stage.
I seem to be of the latter category.
At school I had friends, but my year at school had lots of groups of girls that would sit together. For a while, I would sit with one group or another according to who I was friendly with at any one time. But it never lasted long really. I never had enough friends in each group to make it really fun or fulfilling to stay long.
So I was a floater between groups. One who belonged to all groups and to none.
Then I joined a youth group. Suddenly I had friends. Instant friends who cared how I was during the week. Friends who shared their faith with me. Suddenly I was being invited to parties and gatherings. In some ways it made school easier, and in some ways harder.
When I went to uni I joined the Evangelical Union. I joined small groups and went to public meetings and weekends away and met heaps of people. Some of my best friends are from that time of my life. I met my husband there. I met people who are now scattered to the winds, in Cambodia, the USA, China, the UK, Tasmania, Victoria, Northern NSW; good friends who I see very rarely but when I do see them it is as if no time has passed and we just pick straight up where we left off. I love those kinds of friendships.
I met heaps of different people each year at Beach Mission as the team shifted and changed.
I have been to three different churches since Luke decided to go to College. I made friends at each one. Some I have kept in touch with. Some I haven't. At our last church we met the godmother to our now 13 month old daughter and lots of other friends besides! I go back there whenever I am near , and revel in the fellowship and friendship found in a loving church family.
At College, we met heaps and heaps of people from all sorts of places who I catch up with as often as possible. These are people I saw often in Biblestudy groups, at the women's group, and people I lived along side when we lived in College accommodation. We see the people from our year group quite often which is great since they are our spiritual and professional family. The only people who truly know what it is like to be in ministry.
So I look at my life and think "Ok so, somewhere along the line I picked up a lot of friends". But then I remember my grandmother who had a best friend for over 85 years, and some others for almost 80 years. I don't have any friends like that. I don't have any friends from pre-school that I still see/write to/skype regularly. I don't have friends from kindy/school in the way that some do. I see the photos from weddings and think "why couldn't I have had friends like that? friends that just stick together through everything for 20 years? why can't I have 10 friends who I go to Byron /Bali/somewhere with every year or so?"
Then I look at my own wedding photos. And I look at the lists that I draw up when I am inviting friends to things. I have friends on these lists from school, churches, uni, work, beach mission, College, and just random other times.
Is my life poorer for missing the lifelong friendships? or is it richer for having friends from a plethora of places and times in my life? Sometimes I can't say.
The first kind make friends at school (at whatever point) and keep them forever more. They are bridesmaids at each other's weddings. They meet up all the time so their kids can play together. They go on holidays together sans kids.
The second kind seem to acquire friends like a collector, some from this phase of life, some from that phase. They may be friends only while they work at the same place or go to the same church. they may be friends only while they are in the same class at uni or while they have kids in the same class at school. Sometimes they become friends at a specific stage and the friendship seems to transcend that stage.
I seem to be of the latter category.
At school I had friends, but my year at school had lots of groups of girls that would sit together. For a while, I would sit with one group or another according to who I was friendly with at any one time. But it never lasted long really. I never had enough friends in each group to make it really fun or fulfilling to stay long.
So I was a floater between groups. One who belonged to all groups and to none.
Then I joined a youth group. Suddenly I had friends. Instant friends who cared how I was during the week. Friends who shared their faith with me. Suddenly I was being invited to parties and gatherings. In some ways it made school easier, and in some ways harder.
When I went to uni I joined the Evangelical Union. I joined small groups and went to public meetings and weekends away and met heaps of people. Some of my best friends are from that time of my life. I met my husband there. I met people who are now scattered to the winds, in Cambodia, the USA, China, the UK, Tasmania, Victoria, Northern NSW; good friends who I see very rarely but when I do see them it is as if no time has passed and we just pick straight up where we left off. I love those kinds of friendships.
I met heaps of different people each year at Beach Mission as the team shifted and changed.
I have been to three different churches since Luke decided to go to College. I made friends at each one. Some I have kept in touch with. Some I haven't. At our last church we met the godmother to our now 13 month old daughter and lots of other friends besides! I go back there whenever I am near , and revel in the fellowship and friendship found in a loving church family.
At College, we met heaps and heaps of people from all sorts of places who I catch up with as often as possible. These are people I saw often in Biblestudy groups, at the women's group, and people I lived along side when we lived in College accommodation. We see the people from our year group quite often which is great since they are our spiritual and professional family. The only people who truly know what it is like to be in ministry.
So I look at my life and think "Ok so, somewhere along the line I picked up a lot of friends". But then I remember my grandmother who had a best friend for over 85 years, and some others for almost 80 years. I don't have any friends like that. I don't have any friends from pre-school that I still see/write to/skype regularly. I don't have friends from kindy/school in the way that some do. I see the photos from weddings and think "why couldn't I have had friends like that? friends that just stick together through everything for 20 years? why can't I have 10 friends who I go to Byron /Bali/somewhere with every year or so?"
Then I look at my own wedding photos. And I look at the lists that I draw up when I am inviting friends to things. I have friends on these lists from school, churches, uni, work, beach mission, College, and just random other times.
Is my life poorer for missing the lifelong friendships? or is it richer for having friends from a plethora of places and times in my life? Sometimes I can't say.
Monday, February 21, 2011
When is it time to emotionally disconnect...from church?
I don't do change well. This is no surprise to anyone who knows me. So when Luke and I left our home church to go to College it was very very hard for me. Actually, hard is a major understatement. Changing churches was like cutting a major organ out of my body.
Let me explain. I had been an active member of this church for over 10 years when we left. I had come to faith in the youth group, I had led Biblestudy groups, I made some of the best friendships of my life at this church.
When we moved churches we moved to a church that was different in every possible way to the one we had left. Gone were my comfort barriers: my friends, my teachers, my leaders. Gone was the accustomed style of worship, and engagement with the Scriptures. Gone even was the local area I had grown up in.
I was initially excited about starting at a new church. I knew it was going to be different. But I had no conception of just how different it would be. At the new church the form of worship was alien, there was no guarantee that we would theologically agree with many of the congregation, the music was difficult. Our minister was awesome and did everything he could to make us fee welcome and at home. But it didn't work. For two years I lived in my own little version of Egypt. I told myself that it was ok, that at the end of College we could go back 'home' and it would all be the same as it was. I held onto my 'home' church as hard as I could despite the changes I saw there (services changing a bit, people moving on), emotionally I had not let go yet.
After two years, we finished our time at the difficult inner city church. We moved to a smaller semi-rural village church. It was a wonderful place that welcomed us with open arms, had people who loved Jesus and weren't afraid to show it. It was a place where I made many good friends, where I was looked after by older Christians and enabled to grow in wisdom both as a worker and as a mother. And still I held on to 'home' as 'home'. I had not yet disengaged from my original church even though I did not go to a service in two years, even though I barely saw my friends there.
And this year, we made the biggest move yet: leaving College, leaving a very homelike church, leaving the metro area even. We have moved to a rural church with a small but incredibly faithful congregation who are keen to welcome us and look after us.
This last weekend I was visiting family in the leafy north. I visited our most recent church which was such a joy!!! Many friends to catch up with and news to hear and share. Ministries to discuss, and rejoice in!!
In the evening I visited my 'home' church. I was struck immediately but how few people there I knew by sight. True it is a transient and young congregation, but still. I was struck also by some logistical changes (not worth discussing), and as usual really enjoyed the teaching.
But I thought later that I missed the church as it was when I was still a regular; the friends I saw weekly and the deep friendships which have of necessity shallowed with time and lack of investment. I missed the combination of people I knew and loved, who gelled in a certain way, who responded in a certain way. I had been emotionally 'hanging on' to a reality that had changed beyond recognition, and to be fair, hadn't existed anywhere but in my mind for some time.
It was a very sad realisation that the 'home' I had been so tightly holding on to is no longer there to return to. The faces have changed, the people have moved on, but the message remains.
Let me explain. I had been an active member of this church for over 10 years when we left. I had come to faith in the youth group, I had led Biblestudy groups, I made some of the best friendships of my life at this church.
When we moved churches we moved to a church that was different in every possible way to the one we had left. Gone were my comfort barriers: my friends, my teachers, my leaders. Gone was the accustomed style of worship, and engagement with the Scriptures. Gone even was the local area I had grown up in.
I was initially excited about starting at a new church. I knew it was going to be different. But I had no conception of just how different it would be. At the new church the form of worship was alien, there was no guarantee that we would theologically agree with many of the congregation, the music was difficult. Our minister was awesome and did everything he could to make us fee welcome and at home. But it didn't work. For two years I lived in my own little version of Egypt. I told myself that it was ok, that at the end of College we could go back 'home' and it would all be the same as it was. I held onto my 'home' church as hard as I could despite the changes I saw there (services changing a bit, people moving on), emotionally I had not let go yet.
After two years, we finished our time at the difficult inner city church. We moved to a smaller semi-rural village church. It was a wonderful place that welcomed us with open arms, had people who loved Jesus and weren't afraid to show it. It was a place where I made many good friends, where I was looked after by older Christians and enabled to grow in wisdom both as a worker and as a mother. And still I held on to 'home' as 'home'. I had not yet disengaged from my original church even though I did not go to a service in two years, even though I barely saw my friends there.
And this year, we made the biggest move yet: leaving College, leaving a very homelike church, leaving the metro area even. We have moved to a rural church with a small but incredibly faithful congregation who are keen to welcome us and look after us.
This last weekend I was visiting family in the leafy north. I visited our most recent church which was such a joy!!! Many friends to catch up with and news to hear and share. Ministries to discuss, and rejoice in!!
In the evening I visited my 'home' church. I was struck immediately but how few people there I knew by sight. True it is a transient and young congregation, but still. I was struck also by some logistical changes (not worth discussing), and as usual really enjoyed the teaching.
But I thought later that I missed the church as it was when I was still a regular; the friends I saw weekly and the deep friendships which have of necessity shallowed with time and lack of investment. I missed the combination of people I knew and loved, who gelled in a certain way, who responded in a certain way. I had been emotionally 'hanging on' to a reality that had changed beyond recognition, and to be fair, hadn't existed anywhere but in my mind for some time.
It was a very sad realisation that the 'home' I had been so tightly holding on to is no longer there to return to. The faces have changed, the people have moved on, but the message remains.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Moving on up...Pt II
And so we wait. The Project goes in next week and it is well on the way to completion (97% done...); then 2 exams, then Luke's life at College and our life in community really begins to wind down.
Other couples/families who are also finishing are starting to book their movers, and get packing boxes so they can begin the arduous yet now familiar task of de-cluttering and packing up the flat/home.
And we still wait. I could start packing boxes and getting Luke to carry them down to our garage. It will make my life easier in the long run if I do. I know it will.
But I am reluctant. I feel like if I start packing, I move out of my accustomed home in Egypt where College never ends and community (and friendships) lasts for ever, and into the more harsh and scary world of reality where we have only about 6 weeks until we have to be out of our College accommodation.
I still wait. I still want to know where we are moving too before I pack. It's silly. It's procrastination gone mad. I don't even like Egypt all that much. The real world has its upsides.
But it also has one big downside that I am currently the most afraid of: Isolation and Loneliness. It's funny because I don't take as much advantage of community living as I should. I don't go to coffee at someone's house every day and I don't leave Bede with someone else when things get hard. But I could. And that is the hard thing.
Knowing that soon, I won't be able to just drop in on friends and neighbours at Moorewest; knowing that my closest friend could live ages away. And knowing that if Bede is having a meltdown-y kind of day that it really is all down to me- no Moorewest friend will walk in and say "Let me take him while you go for a coffee". I haven't really let them. But they could. And it's that eventuality that I am really dreading.
Other couples/families who are also finishing are starting to book their movers, and get packing boxes so they can begin the arduous yet now familiar task of de-cluttering and packing up the flat/home.
And we still wait. I could start packing boxes and getting Luke to carry them down to our garage. It will make my life easier in the long run if I do. I know it will.
But I am reluctant. I feel like if I start packing, I move out of my accustomed home in Egypt where College never ends and community (and friendships) lasts for ever, and into the more harsh and scary world of reality where we have only about 6 weeks until we have to be out of our College accommodation.
I still wait. I still want to know where we are moving too before I pack. It's silly. It's procrastination gone mad. I don't even like Egypt all that much. The real world has its upsides.
But it also has one big downside that I am currently the most afraid of: Isolation and Loneliness. It's funny because I don't take as much advantage of community living as I should. I don't go to coffee at someone's house every day and I don't leave Bede with someone else when things get hard. But I could. And that is the hard thing.
Knowing that soon, I won't be able to just drop in on friends and neighbours at Moorewest; knowing that my closest friend could live ages away. And knowing that if Bede is having a meltdown-y kind of day that it really is all down to me- no Moorewest friend will walk in and say "Let me take him while you go for a coffee". I haven't really let them. But they could. And it's that eventuality that I am really dreading.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Moving on up...?
We are in a very weird place at the moment. Luke has just handed in his last big essay for College apart from the Project. He has just 2 exams to sit this semester. This means that we have nearly finished four years at Moore College. It means that in the not too distant future, we will be unleashed on a (yet to be determined) parish.
This is a double-edged sword. I have loved being a "College wife". Moorewomen, and Biblestudy and living in community have been wonderful fulfilling things. The churches we have been serving have welcomed us as members of their spiritual family.
But the end of College is bittersweet for me. I always intended to study myself, but God had other plans for me. I will miss living in community, and sharing my life with my Biblestudy ladies from week to week. In some cases we have lived close to each other and shared a Biblestudy for the whole of College.
I will not miss living in a tiny flat though. I will not miss living more than half an hour from church (which has meant my involvment can only be so much...). A bigger place to live close to church is starting to look really good.
But is it worth the moving? the loss of College community? What other (positive) things do I have to look forward to in parish life? I need some encouragement to want to move on...
This is a double-edged sword. I have loved being a "College wife". Moorewomen, and Biblestudy and living in community have been wonderful fulfilling things. The churches we have been serving have welcomed us as members of their spiritual family.
But the end of College is bittersweet for me. I always intended to study myself, but God had other plans for me. I will miss living in community, and sharing my life with my Biblestudy ladies from week to week. In some cases we have lived close to each other and shared a Biblestudy for the whole of College.
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