"So what do you do?"
"I'm just a mum..."
It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I was somewhat reluctant to give up teaching. I was always worried that being at home all the time with a baby would mean that my brain would turn to mush through lack of adult conversation.
It was of course my pride talking when I used to say such things. I have too much pride. It often gets in the way of my emotional and spiritual growth. But one thing I have learned: pride is not a godly response to blessings from God. I have been blessed with intellect and I am overly touchy about any potential slurs against it. So for me the idea that my brain might turn to mush whilst taking on the (supposedly) thankless tasks of parenting was terrifying. It meant shelving ideas of further study whilst teaching. It meant being "chained to the home" or so I thought.
What has been the reality?
The reality has been a double edged sword. In some ways it is much easier than I expected it to be. Bede has been a (relatively) easy baby to live with (no matter how much I may whinge on facebook). He has always been a good eater, on the whole a good sleeper (with some exceptions to be addressed in future posts), and a very smiley happy little boy. My brain hasn't turned to mush as I feared it would. I have been able to get to at least one Biblestudy group a week, to Moorewomen each week, to Mother's group most weeks, and to visit and support a very good friend and fellow maternal traveller more weeks than not. I have enjoyed not marking exams or writing reports, or dealing with recalcitrant students.
On the other hand, I have often struggled with my own expectations of myself. I often have to revise what I can actually achieve with a baby in tow, how many things I can actually get to each week around sleeps and feeds. On occasion I have had to clear the decks for the sake of a few days of good sleeps (for Bede) whilst champing at the bit to get out the door. I can be very ungracious about putting aside my need for human contact for the sake of Bede's need for stability and routine.
Don't get me wrong. I love routine!! I made a big effort to get Bede into a routine rather than feeding on demand. I'm a teacher so I love control and predictability. In a sense, having a baby has been the hardest thing I've ever done simply because it means surrendering my need to control and regulate. It has meant slightly freaking out when Bede doesn't do what the books say he should and when (for the record he generally does things ahead of time...both good and bad).
Anyway. The upshot is that yes I was reluctant to give up my working life. And yes I thought parenting would be one long round of hell and isolation. Was I correct? No I wasn't. I was wrong.
There. I've said it. I love being a mum. I love looking after Bede each day.
But why is it so hard to admit that?
Pride. One of my most glaring defects and sinful attitudes. I should be able to shout my joy in Bede from the rooftops. But because of my pride, I whisper it shamefacedly, embarrassed by my own backflips...
so much of what you are saying here is familiar to me, though for me my pride operated in reverse - i had ALWAYS wanted to be a sahm so finding it so hard was a complete shock. Also, i didn't want to return to work - philosophically and personally and so the process of doing so was very confronting (compounding how i was coping in general) and then actually enjoying working and realising the mental health benefits was confronting again. God has worked in interesting ways over the past couple of years and I am interested to see what happens as we move into this next chapter of being a family of 4.
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